I Chose Knitting

It’s been a tough couple of months, and that’s saying something considering the kind of year we are all having. Things were getting better and life during Covid and under this administration were looking pretty manageable. Then my husband had a stroke at work and I watched him have a second one in the hospital. After a couple days stay, and after lots of tests and waiting, they figured it all out and we had a plan. Then some more waiting. This seems to be the way with HHT. Emergency, waiting, surgery, waiting, emergency,… For his safety, the surgery had to wait until his system had cleared all the dyes and recovered from all the trauma enough to be able to have lung surgery. They found a couple avm’s (those capillary clusters) in his left lung and those were what had caused the stroke.

My husband has been through so much with this. So has both of our families. Me, the kids. It’s been rough. I’ve gotten really good at living in crisis mode, but there is only so much our systems can take and mine is beginning to crack. The good news is that he finally had his surgery and he is healed up and back to work.

And during all of this, I have thrown myself into my knitting and managed to keep the household running well enough. We definitely have not managed on our own. I don’t know what I would do without my mother. Between her visits, where she cleans, cooks, shops, and helps with the kids, and the phone calls for me, or for the kids, it has all helped us tremendously. I am so grateful to my step-dad as well. He has been so patient and kind and has the best sense of humor. He has such a big heart and has really helped us through some tough times. Including the major disasters of the last couple years. I’ve been really reconnecting with my father as well and I cherish my visits with him. We’ve had a rocky relationship, but, since I’ve become braver with my truths, we have worked through a lot. His support for both me and my husband has been important to me and has lent me strength when I thought I was running out.

Then there are my friends who have taken my call even when they are in the middle of their own crisis; and called me in their time of need. My friends who count on me as much as I count on them. The ones who pay extra attention to my kids and the ones who pay extra attention to me. There are a few who know my husband almost as well as I do, which makes talking about our life so much easier. There are those who only know me really well, which makes me seek ways to speak the truth more accurately. And I really love that my friends remind me of all the things they admire about me during a time when I question my own abilities. And all the things in them that I am inspired by.

His family has been a mixed bag. His mother has helped us with taking care of the kids, but added stress because of her own problems. She is beginning to work on those (but after 14 years my patience is thin) and she is important to our kids and to my husband, so we keep trying. I do love her and want her well, but I don’t have it in me to carry anyone else. His one brother and his wife have been supportive. They have their own crazy life and his HHT to deal with, so being able to hang out with them and chat has been a relief.

So the past couple years have been challenging to say the least. Occasionally I hibernate and tune out as much as I can because there is only so much I can process. During these times I am faced with the choice between the long list of to-do’s, or knitting. I’ve been choosing knitting. (Sometimes crochet). But I think I might be ready for a bit more variety. At least for a little while.