Your Parent’s Family

I’m really struggling with some heavily layered emotions right now. My dad’s youngest sister passed a month or so ago. My great aunt from my dad’s mother passed. My grandfather just passed the other day. My first cousin once removed (my dad’s cousin, aka uncle cousin) has recently started reaching out, which I’m delighted about. My uncle (my dad’s brother) has also begun reaching out. I’m not feeling okay with that.

My husband’s father is going through unsolved health issues and is stubbornly not caring. Meanwhile, I’ve gone silent on his mother again and he’s not talking to his middle brother.

I’m fucking tired.

We were around my dad’s family a lot when I was young. Holidays, birthdays, Sundays, just because. My mom had boundaries. I loved them and grew to understand why she had them. When we moved away, it was as though we were no longer good family members.

Every visit was a guilt trip. Every phone call. Every letter. I was patient. I was understanding. My life continued and none of them kept in touch or cared about my life. It was always about them.

Except my uncle cousin. He was there for me and my parents through a lot in my early years. When we saw him on visits he cared and it was wonderful to care right back! His dad was always kind and intelligent as well. I miss him. They both still loved my mom after the divorce.

My uncle? I’ve come to realize we never had a relationship. Sure, I thought he was the greatest uncle ever when I was a child, but looking back, he was awful. He torture tickled me. I mean traumatized me by trapping me and not being able to breathe from tickles. It hurt. He is selfish and self centered. Now that he might be the next to go he’s reaching out to a niece he has never tried to get to know with pictures of my siblings and some sort of let’s make peace bullshit.

And he still can’t spell my name right!

He isn’t even aware that I haven’t spoken to my brother in two years. Or that his recent phone call for my birthday sent me into a panic attack.

My sister says I should be understanding. To give him his chance to make amends and to be patient that he doesn’t know how. Just be honest with him. I did say it was ok for him to reach out. I think I spoke too soon on that. From that old sense of obligation to my family. It’s different for my sister. I respect that. I don’t think she understands my perspective.

My grandfather is even more complicated. He was a solid figure at every stage of my development. He was funny and scary. He was an ominous figure who was incredibly loving. He was just a man doing his best with what he had. His kindness all the more powerful because of his sternness.

Visits with him were never guilt ridden, but did feature lessons he wanted to share. Phone calls were encouraging and supportive, he was the opposite of our cold and delusional grandmother (they had divorced when I was young).

I did see my grandfather a couple times at the end. We had a falling out years ago. My fault as much as his, if I’m honest. I wanted to mend it, but it was not enough. Or maybe it was. I’m not sure and now he’s gone. Hopefully in peace.

My dad is withering away and we have a complicated relationship. He’s been a functional alcoholic my whole life. Not really around. Not absent either. We’ve had lots of special moments. Lots of ugly ones too. I know his family. I do understand. To a point.

My aunt was not a kind person and her funeral was a rather quiet one from what I’ve been told. I’m sorry she was so miserable. Her health had been failing for a while. I did not have a close bond with her.

My great aunt was a beautiful and loving soul who made me feel special every time I saw her, which was only a handful of times that I remember. I could always feel the magic of her love for the family. As though she was balancing out her sister’s effect. She deserves some rest.

And while I’m sorting all of this out, raising kids in our current society weirdness, struggling to stay above water, my husband is also dealing with complicated family issues. I feel bad not being there for them during this health crisis, but they’re so abusive, I can’t subject myself to them.

So, maybe I’ll be frank with my uncle. Be honest that I’m not sure of how to have a relationship with him. That this sudden need to reconnect because people have died is uncomfortable for me. That I don’t talk to my brother and won’t discuss it. Maybe I’ll tell him how my name is supposed to be spelled.

Honestly, I still don’t know, but I feel better.