The 90’s seem to be on everyone’s minds these days. A magical time before cell phones and streaming services. A time when there was tv specifically for families.
I have been rewatching some classics, like Family Matters, Home Improvement, and Boy Meets World. As I watched, I became aware of how much I focus in on the sibling relationships. Particularly the eldest brother.
I’ve always done this. As a kid, I was searching for what was normal. What is an older brother supposed to be like? How are they supposed to treat their younger siblings? Why did I feel like I was missing out on something?
As an adult, I’ve had the benefit of time and experience to finally realize how off my own older brother was. I’ve come to realize that while I was watching to make sense of our relationship, my brother was taking notes on how he was supposed to behave. Mimicking what he saw.
See, I never thought my brother didn’t understand emotions. He has them. He feels things. I just never understood that his narcissism meant his feelings stopped at the edge of himself.
I recently started watching Killing Eve. As the one character studies people’s behavior and tries to mimic them without really understanding them I saw my brother. His attempts to be normal. But I’ve seen what’s behind the curtain. I know what he is.
It’s a strange experience to overlay my current understanding of him and my childhood with how I remember it. It’s a strange process to heal these old wounds that I did not realize were there. It’s weird reworking my memories so that they stay happy while examining the truth behind those memories.
Sometimes I feel sick thinking about how long I let him be a part of my life. We were so close for a long time. We had an apartment together. We hung out with the same people. We made each other coffee in the morning. We talked almost every week when I moved away. He was one of my best friends. Except, he really wasn’t.
This is going to take a long time for me to process. It’s been bliss to not get anxious when he calls (because he doesn’t call anymore, because I blocked him). It’s been wonderful to not have his criticism and lecturing in my ear. It sucks when I see or hear something that makes me want to call him, and then suddenly remembering I don’t want to talk to him anymore.
I’m grateful to be able to watch these classic family shows and find some healing along the way. The feel-good scripts with wholesome values has been a gentle form of therapy. So I guess that’s a part of why I’ve been so nostalgic for the 90’s. I’m working through healing old hurts and making peace with my past.
Blessings to all on your journey.
The Accidental Domestic Goddess 