Heartstopper Volume Four

I don’t know what to say about this volume. I read it in two sections and read This Winter and Solitaire in between. That way the story’s timeline sort of pans out.

Nick is so wonderful in trying to support his boyfriend. I love how close he is with his mom and her honesty with him. I really love that the adults in these kids lives aren’t just props. They are guides and boundary keepers.

You can’t fix someone else. But you can make a plan to help. You can reach out to those around you. Support is available.

I remember trying to tell my mom how bad my depression had gotten. I was so afraid to tell her. Not because she wouldn’t believe me, or be mad. I was worried about how hurt she was going to be. She had been in therapy and figuring out the right medications to take. Actually, my mom’s mental health required a stay in a hospital for treatment while I was in high school. I knew she’d blame herself for passing it on to me. I knew it would hurt her, but me not getting help might hurt worse.

And of course it wasn’t her fault. How many generations ignored these issues? How generations of unhealed trauma does she carry? My mom is where the cycle began to break. I’m doing my best to continue that work. I did get help after I finally let her see a depressive episode. I was such a mess and I had no explanation. It felt really good to stop hiding. For both of us.

Thankfully what little bit of therapy I did was useful and the medication I tried stopped the works long enough to give me some breathing room. After quitting all that, I continued the work on my own and reminded myself to rely on my friends, just as I wanted them to rely on me. It’s not easy, but we all try.

So, I came back to Volume Four after reading about their holiday and getting to know Tori Spring. It was a relief, even entering at Charlie’s hospital stay.

I only visited my mom once. My dad didn’t drive and we had to figure out a ride with a friend. Looking back, my dad was even worse at handling all of this than I had thought at the time (and I was angry about his lack of effort back then). His wife was falling apart and he could barely be bothered to be there for her or their kids. To pull himself out of his own feelings for the sake of the rest of us. My dad chose the bar over his family and all I’ve got left is sadness. He needed help too. I get that. But unlike the rest of us, he never recognized it.

This is the beauty of these books. I get to sort through the messy bits of my youth with compassion. To use the same lens as Heartstopper to view my own life through encourages a softer perspective. Now that I’m past some of the most exhausting years of my life (so far), I’m working through old trauma. It feels good. Tough, but good.

This volume finishes with the holidays and with Nick and Charlie becoming a more solid couple. It ends with them just being teenagers.

All the smaller side stories that play in the background of the main characters only amplify the messages. The support, the need for a community, and how everyone is in the middle of their own story. Compassion at the heart of it all.