Yes, It Can Happen in Your 30’s

Peri menopause. Intense bloating. Frequent, dull headaches. Tender and sore breasts. Exhaustion. Unregulated body temperature changes. And the unfiltered rage.

A friend of mine equated it to a ticking clock. You become more aware of your mortality on a biological level and simply don’t have time to pander to the unnecessary. Your body is adjusting to the reality of aging.

I’m beginning to realize my workouts aren’t just vital to my mental and physical health, but also vital to managing all these peri menopausal symptoms.

I’ve only scratched the surface of what I’m about to face. A couple articles, some quick facts, anecdotes. I have been met with “but you’re so young!” more frequently than I enjoy. I know exactly how old I am, thank you. Usually explaining my hot flashes convinces anyone who knows. Now I’m hearing stories of what has helped each person and I’ve noticed something interesting.

When I was pregnant, I looked very young. Apparently it continued through raising two little ones. The way people talked to me was infuriating. I had to hear it from a friend, that yes, I looked like a 17 year old. The advice was free flowing, often unasked for, and seemed to hold a moral judgment against other methods. There was an expectation with the advice. I felt like a child not trusted with the responsibility of raising my own children when society did nothing but preach about the natural and glorious ability of every woman to be a mother.

With menopause there is more mystery. More awe. A somberness to the whole process that I appreciate a great deal more than I anticipated. It’s a sisterhood born from something we all will absolutely share. Whether it was like taking a breath and over without even a whisper, or a two decade long struggle of earth-shattering changes, we all go through it.

So I’m beginning the work of understanding what I’m going through and how to embrace it. A lot of this is unsettling, but the rage feels like a comfy blanket I misplaced for decades and now I get to wrap myself in it again.

“What would you do with a free afternoon?”

“What would you do with a free afternoon?”

We wax philosophically with each other.

“Read a book.”

“Take a bath, or maybe a nap.”

“I could get that corner cleaned up. It’s been nagging at me for a while.”

“I would watch what I want, without worry of interruption.”

“I could solve the world’s problems in one afternoon.”

Yet, here I am, without a thing needing done or another person around and I’m bouncing from one thing to the next. Nothing is being accomplished. I’m just flittering about.

I guess I’m preparing for rest. Getting it all in order. Getting me in order. With any luck I’ll get settled long before anyone returns. I’ll feel refreshed and ready for reality.

Progress on Some Sweaters

I’m making some real progress on my oldest’s sweater. With no other projects in the works I’ve been able to really focus on this piece.

It’s a fun pattern and I’m happy with how it’s turning out. But the inevitable happened and boredom has crept in. My determination to finish this soon is still there. I just need a break from the repetition. Something to reinvigorate me.

Pattern from Top-Down Knit Sweaters by Corrina Ferguson.

So, I started the sweater planned for my middle child. It’s been a nice change of pace. A bit of a palate cleanser. It’s a pretty simple pattern and I might add some cable accents, just to make it a little different.

Thoughts On Gender

This is my lap at the moment. Something that usually brings me a calming joy. It’s been rough lately. I’ve finished some knitting side quests and am trying to focus on my daughter’s sweater now.

I was reading a comforting murder mystery, but my mood has shifted with the world’s turmoil and I’m back to reading non-fiction. This book is titled Gender and Our Brains, by Gina Rippon. I bought it a while ago and started it after my daughter began talking about her own gender identity.

I have lots of thoughts and emotions related to this topic. Some are rather conflicting. My whole life has been spent seeking out women’s stories. Our history, our lives, our art, our biology. So much has been hidden from us. I have worked hard to empower myself and others with what I have learned.

I grew up under the rule of needing to be better than my male counterparts in order to be equal. I squashed out pieces of my femininity in order to “unchain” myself from the bonds of society’s expectations of me, while still embracing other aspects of my femaleness to remain part of the club. I honestly wasn’t completely aware of what I was doing until I was pregnant the first time.

I often talk of how I never wanted to be married or have kids. Those were antiquated ideas of what I should want from life. I wanted to travel and then settle somewhere in the woods, on my own, with lots of dogs. Then, I met my husband. My ideas shifted. When I was pregnant I had an “aha” moment and could feel the difference between me and males in my bones. Now that I’m raising daughters I find myself exploring these concepts even more.

With all these different ideas on gender, I’m finding that some of my ideas may still be a bit stuck in patriarchal concepts. I also refuse to give up on what my femininity means to me. So I’m exploring different ideas, opinions, and perspectives. I want to understand others as much as I can, including why some feel so threatened by such conversations.

So, while my daughter struggles with her identity I’m learning. I don’t want her to feel she needs to call herself a boy to make life easier. “People think I’m a boy because of how I dress and act, so I’ll just be a boy.” I don’t want her to deny who she is in order to fit anyone else’s narrative. I want to support her to explore these concepts and decide for herself when she is ready. She is still very young. Exploring gender identity is part of growing up. So we talk about it. Often.

So, while being female is still seen as being “less than” I struggle. I support everyone’s right to be who they are. I just don’t understand not being able to be male and be feminine. Or being female while being masculine. It hurts a part of me to hear women say they don’t feel female because of society’s expectations.

These are the reasons I am trying to learn more. To listen. To really hear what people are going through. I’m challenging my own ideas of what it all means. Our concepts of gender fascinate me.

I’d love to hear what others think. Start a conversation. Meanwhile, I’ll get back to reading Gender and Our Brains while knitting for my curious, energetic, compassionate kid.

Yes, Another Murder Mystery

I am loving this book! And yet again, I forgot I was reading a murder mystery until someone was dead. It was a shock.

I’m always tickled when writers write about the magic of books. I mean, what good writer doesn’t know the power of words on paper, bound together, and placed on a shelf?

“Stories are just like people. If you don’t approach them with an open mind and a healthy dose of respect, they won’t reveal their hidden selves to you… You’ll walk through life an empty husk instead of a vibrant kaleidoscope of passion, wisdom, and experience.”

The power stories have to heal are central to this tale. Stories that make you dive deep into the horrors of your own life help open the wound to get the infection out. To face it and accept it.

Then there are the stories that help clean the wound out. That bandage it up to allow for the healing work to begin.

And then there are the stories that help you breathe again. One deep breath at a time, until you can embrace the joys of life once more.

I’ve really only just begun reading this and I’m already feeling some real attachment to it. “Magical realism” is what the critics are saying to describe this book. And “savor” is used a lot too.

If you’re looking for a book to get lost in, I definitely recommend checking this one out.

Time For Something a bit Drastic

This is pretty major for me. I’ve had short hair before. I’ve colored it red many times in various shades. It’s been black with lots of purple and some blue. A reddish purple that blended out to red. It was even pink for a few days in Switzerland.

I could fill a book with all the stories I have centered around my hair, but a buzz shave was not one of them. Until now, that is.

I’ve been seeing the look around a lot and have contemplated getting it over the years. In high school I learned my chronic headaches were caused by the strain of carrying the weight of my hair. Every time I cut it from about just below my ribs to chin length, the headaches vanished.

It’s been getting really hot as we dive right into Summer here and I really don’t want to cut my hair short anymore. I kept it short while our kids were babies and toddlers. I even made it a tradition to cut it really short every time I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant. Anything past my shoulders and I couldn’t wash it by myself. So this seemed the best way to cool off, lose some of the bulk that’s straining my head and neck, and keep my long hair.

My husband kindly cut it for me after I blindly split my hair with a knitting needle. I did my best not to flinch. Admittedly I held back some tears, but it felt so freeing when he was done. After a shower I needed to braid it and so spent about an hour putting these in. I have to take a lot of breaks. My poor arms and wrists. I expect a lot from them.

I absolutely love it! I’m so much cooler and lighter. The braids help with both of those as well. I’ve been having fun with different styles and I might actually be ok with the Summer heat this year.

Planning My Workouts

This is what planning my workouts looks like. A couple of Yoga Journal magazines, a notebook, lots of loose pages, an accordion binder full of magazine pages all organized, and no room to sit.

The planning is part of my motivation process. I will get up and mimic the moves to see if they’re something I really want to do, or if they flow well together. Catering to my ability and mood makes it more likely I’ll do it.

After about an hour (it depends on how often my family interrupts me) of sorting, my plan is complete. My OCD is content. My anxiety is soothed. And I’m ready to tackle my goals for the next two weeks. This stack sits on my side table with all my other projects (knitting, crochet, massage notes) easily accessible for when I need them.

Summer is for Smoothies!

We bought a nice blender several years ago so we could make smoothies with the kids and treat ourselves as well. We go through swings of them in this house, and right now, we’re really into them.

My husband’s recipes tend to be more like a dessert, while mine are more like a snack. He uses milk and peanut butter, or chocolate with the fruit. I can’t have milk, so I use orange juice and yogurt.

Today we had peach smoothies. I filled the ninja cup with frozen peaches, one banana, about 1/2 a cup of vanilla Greek yogurt, and as much orange juice as I thought looked about right. One of my new favorites. The kids liked it too.

And that’s my basic recipe. I just use whatever frozen fruit I’m in the mood for. I also wash everything right away because there isn’t much that’s more frustrating than trying to clean dried fruit and yogurt off tiny blades that spin.

Pajama Day

I want to garden. Or go for a hike. Or just play in the yard. The weather is perfect-just sunny enough with a cool breeze.

Instead, I’m staying in my pajamas and getting ready for a Once Upon a Time marathon with my oldest. They’re just too comfy for me to do anything else.

Today is my only day off this week and I start my second job in a few days. It’s the first full week of Summer vacation and I think some serious down time is in order. Next week I’ll start making plans and taking the girls places.

I will focus on getting more knitting done for retail and let that be my accomplishment for the day. That, and spending some quality time with my oldest while I can.

Murder Mystery Mood

Finished Brownies and Broomsticks today. I really appreciated the more down to earth approach to magic and spellwork. I especially liked the connection between quantum physics and magic.

My only real issue is that there are two fellas equally interested in the protagonist and that scenario always makes me uncomfortable. She handles it well, though, so I’m not too upset about it.

Next up, The Secret, Book, & Scone Society. Another murder mystery set at a health spa and a bookstore. I’m hoping it’s good.